Tuesday, 7 April 2009

Thieves never prosper... especially those in drag...

Date - Tuesday, April 07, 2009 

Breakfast –

Got up this morning, got ready for work and the lovely lady who gives me a lift decides she’s going to come and pick me up ½ an hour early, but neglects to let me in on this nugget of information. So, when she beeps outside my door I’m wearing one shoe, no bra and nothing but foundation on my face. I throw my shoe on without doing it up, chuck my bra in my handbag and carry as much make up as I can to the car. In my haste I’ve picked up an old concealer, some Vaseline, a bright pink lipstick and three shades of eyeliner. I improvise as we’re driving along, and in the car light it doesn’t look all too bad, but I discover when I get to work in the light of day that Lily Savage could have done a more subtle job. In all the palaver there’s no time for breakfast so I have to rely on my “emergency work breakfast”, which is a really old bag of shredded wheat bite size from my desk drawer and some milk stolen from the fridge. As I’m in so early there’s no-one else around so I don’t get caught thieving milk… the shredded wheat is a little bit soft but at least the milk’s fresh, whoever’s it might be…today could be a good day after all!



1  medium bowl Shredded Wheat Bitesize


1/4 pint semi-skimmed milk





Snack –

Work is quite uneventful today, but everyone seems to have already stopped work ready for Easter, so trying to get anything done is nigh on impossible. I hate it when it’s like this at work – everyone just wanders about like zombies, eating, and everyone brings biscuits and cakes in and it’s really hard to resist joining in!!! Still – I manage to turn down a bounty in favour of a Weight Watchers Rich Toffee bar (not the same I’m telling you), and I even tell another colleague to shove his Pringles up his rear end while I eat my Ryvita Limbos, and pretend it’s not like chewing smokey bacon flavour cardboard strips.



1  bag Limbos, smokey bacon


1  bar Rich Toffee Bar



Lunch –

In my rush this morning I’ve run out of the house without grabbing lunch (again) so I open my desk drawer and pull out my little can of emergency mushroom soup in there. It looks really sad and I think I’d rather eat the tin, so I put it back. I worl on a hospital site, so I venture up to the hospital canteen at lunchtime to see what “treasures” they have on offer... I have to traverse the various temptations, there’s chicken curry (I tell myself it looks a bit like dog food), shepherds pie (perhaps it’s got real shepherds in it) and apple pie and custard (ok – I’m at a loss for this one so I just walk past it with my eyes shut, collecting weird looks as I go and eventually stepping on the back of a doctor’s shoe. I apologise, and tell myself to get a grip as he reshapes his Italian leather…)

I eventually settle on (and you’d best be impressed by this)… lettuce, tomatoes, cucumber and an egg (whit whoo) from the salad bar, and a couple of slices of turkey and ham. I make it a bit more exciting with some balsamic vinegar (oh my god, has it come to this?) and I pick up a banana too. On my way back to the office, I wonder how long it will take for my medal to arrive from the Abstinence Brigade.

 I get back to my desk to eat my lunch, and despite my best efforts not to enjoy it, I actually find it really tasty! It’s only slightly ruined by the fact that an email has gone around the office about the rampant milk thief within our midst and I can’t stop blushing as I read it. Apparently the cleaner spotted me this morning and has warned everyone to be on the lookout for someone who looks like Ru Paul. I think I’ve sunk to a new low…



1  medium banana(s)


1  portion Mixed salad leaves


1  medium slice Ham, premium (honey roasted/smoked ham)


1  medium slice roast turkey with skin


1  medium boiled egg


1  medium portion cucumber(s)


2  large tomato(s)





Teatime -

Seriously – is everyone out to get me today or what?? I get home and tell The Other Half that I think he should cook for once as he never does, and rather than being supportive and actually cooking something, he almost manages to convince me that I’ve been so good that I’ve earned a Chinese. After a small word with myself I eventually scowl at him and tell him off for being unsupportive and having no resolve, and say that I’ll cook something myself “for a change”. However, I do have to go digging about in the back of the freezer for something to eat ‘cos I’m unsure what I can make out of the only three things in my fridge. I tried running a recipe search on Weight Watchers online for recipes involving mustard, Quark and Diet Coke, but alas, no matches returned. Still – perhaps I can chart up my digging in the freezer as activity points?

The result of my Adventures in Freezer Land is eclectic, to say the least. We end up with Weight Watchers Sweet & Sour sauce, the leftover rice from last night (when I cooked loads too much) and some bean curd tofu (who the hell bought this and how long has it been here??) which was supposed to taste like duck, but to be honest it was more like eating a small and slightly stringy mattress. At 7.5 points altogether, it was definitely better for me than the Chinese I almost ate, but not nearly as tasty though, let’s be right about it… Whilst I’m preparing it I have some Weight Watchers tortillas and chilli dip (but only to stop me from eating The Other Half's share of tea), and I try a Tesco reduced fat chocolate bar (for research purposes only) that I bought to see how many points it was. It’s only 1 ½ and a lot cheaper than the WW ones, so I think I’ll stock up on these babies…



1  portion Reduced Fat Biscuit & Raisin Bar


1  bag Hot Chilli Tortillas


2  tablespoon Sweet Chilli Sauce




1/2 serving Asda Boil in the Bag Basmati Rice


1/2 jar Sweet & Sour Pasta Sauce


1  serving TKC Crispy Aromatic Mock Duck


2  tablespoon Sweet Chilli Sauce





THEN – After tea The Other Half settles down to watch the (mega boring) footy, and at half time asks me about 4 times if I want crisps and chocolate from the shop. Now I’m sure he’s just trying to p*ss me off. I say no as I secretly vow to accidentally kick him in the testicles whilst “asleep” later, and he does no more than go to the shop and get some duck & hoi sin crisps for himself! He offers me some (WILL YOU GET THE MESSAGE YOU GIT, I’M NOT GONNA EAT THEM!!!) and then when I say no, eats them in front of me. I do have a good sniff of them though as it doesn’t cost me any points. So ner. 

Eventually I decide it’s best for all concerned if I just go and get in the bath or something, as staying downstairs is either going to end with me eating the dog’s leg, or TOH wearing the flat screen TV as an attractive neck-ruff.  I go upstairs and have a soak in the bath with all my lovely Molton Brown stuff. I even light the Molton Brown candle that I got as a birthday present (I've been saving it for a special ocasion, but I figure the Queen probably won't visit now, after 8pm, so I'll take a chance..) I stay in the bath for about 1 ½ hours, my feet are wrinklier than a raisin’s elbow but despite all the distraction techniques I’m still fighting the desire to eat my chocolate body scrub. There’s nothing else for it, I have to entertain myself a bit further with some unnecessarily thorough cleansing, toning & moisturising. I draw the line at applying fake tan (have to leave something for Wednesday night!) and eventually go to bed. God, by the end of this I’ll have buffed all my skin off…




Food POINTS values total used


Food POINTS values remaining



No entries for activity. Can’t be fecked.


Activity POINTS values earned


Check off these important items daily:


Milk & Dairy

Fruit & Vegetables

Healthy Oils


Until tomorrow, adios and try not to eat your own eyelids… remember, if you bite it, write it!!!

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